Testimonials & FAQ – STIJN BOUMA

” Stijn Bouma and I have been colleagues together in the Mettagroup Method Certification Program for 1+ years.
In that time I’ve come to know him as genuine, kind, warm hearted, and deeply committed to his own healing via the IPF.
As a facilitator his superpower is figuring out what uniquely serves each client, and providing them just that. I’ve been facilitated by many people over the years (both in professional trainings and via my own healing practice), and Stijn’s capacity to do this is truly special, and incredibly healing to experience. If you are seeking an IPF Facilitator, I happily recommend Stijn Bouma as a wonderful, caring facilitator. Anyone lucky enough to work with him will be in extremely good hands!“
— Melissa Hower, Attachment Coach and IPF Facilitator

“Working with Stijn has deepened my sense of inner security. His careful attunement to me and my inner world during our sessions helped me imagine and feel what I needed to feel to develop this sense of security.
I recently took the Adult Attachment Interview and scored in the Secure range.
I am grateful to Stijn for his support in this process and wholeheartedly recommend him to those who are serious about repairing their own attachment system.“
— Quinn, IT Account Executive and IPF Facilitator

“Stijn’s kind and curious presence has helped me see new possibilities for myself. Through working with him, I’ve come to feel more secure in the world.
I’ve worked with several facilitators, and he stands out for how deeply he cares about this work and the people he works with. You’ll be in good hands with him.”
— Rosan Bishwakarma, IPF Facilitator

“”
— ,

What is Attachment Theory and how did it develop?

Attachment Theory is one of the most important fields of developmental psychology. It describes how infants relate and connect to their caregivers and how this effects development of personality into adulthood. Especially in terms of self-esteem and relating to others. It poses that the drive to ‘attach’ (seek connection and proximity to caregivers, especially in times of need) is a fundamental and formative human need. When we don’t attach, we don’t survive.
When experiencing the caregiver as a ‘secure base’ to attach to, the infant can thrive in exploring the world in ways it finds meaningful. If the secure base is unavailable, unpredictable or even frightening, development is impaired and obstructed – with far-reaching consequences. Children learn to attach ‘securely’ or ‘insecurely/disorganized,’ and this conditioning generally persists into adulthood.

Attachment discovery and research started in the 50’s by John Bowlby. It has been researched and expanded upon since then. Main contributors have been:
– Mary Ainsworth (observing infant-parent dynamics and discovering the main attachment strategies, The Strange Situation Experiment: for assessing attachment strategies in infants between 1 – 3 years old).
– Mary Main & Erik Hesse (Adult Attachment Interview (AAI), for assessing attachment representational maps in adults & the discovery and expansion of the Disorganized attachment category).
– Dan P. Brown, David S. Elliott & co. (development of Three Pillars method for Attachment repair).
Other important contributors include: Howard Steele, Alan Sroufe (& co), Carol George, Patricia Crittenden, Beatrice Beebe, Marinus van IJzendoorn (& co), Giovanni Liotti.

Attachment Theory recently became more popular because of references by Gabor Maté, Bessel van der Kolk, the books by Amir Levine and general awareness of the impact of childhood and intergenerational trauma. However, most of the popular psychology videos and algorithms scratch merely the surface of this complex and layered field.

What is Secure Attachment and is it possible to achieve later in life?

Secure Attachment is a set of capacities, behaviours and views which influences one’s way of being in the world. Generally people with Secure Attachment are good at emotionally self-regulating, are collaborative and authentic in their expression. They feel safe to explore what is meaningful for them and also have deep, intimate relationships.
When a child grows up in a good environment, it means these five conditions are met most of the time: feeling safe, feeling seen and known, emotionally regulated, delighted in their being and supported in their exploration. This child very probably develops what is termed ‘Native’ Secure Attachment.

It is shown to be possible to develop Secure Attachment later in life, which is termed ‘Earned’ Secure Attachment (ESA). However these roads have been rare and difficult. Getting involved in a long romantic relationship with a secure partner, has helped people move into secure functioning. Or engaging in therapy long enough (5, 10 years+) with the Therapist As Good Attachment Figure (TAGAF), has been shown to lead to more security.

The Three Pillars Method (2016) is a new path that has been shown to more effectively (6 months to 3 years, depending on the severity of conditioning) get people to Secure Attachment. With research where people have been scored in the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) before and after. This method provides a clear direction and roadmap.

Are you a licensed therapist?

No. I’m an Attachment Coach in training and under supervision at Mettagroup and participating in a supervision group with David S. Elliott & Stas Fedechkin from the Integrative Attachment Therapy Institute. At the moment, these are the only two schools for training in this modality that I’m aware of. In 2027 I’ll also partake in a coaching training from the Balanskliniek in the Netherlands, led by ex-psychiatrist Bram Bakker and therapist Ayse Yazilitas.

I work only on repairing and consulting about attachment disturbances, not any other (severe) mental health disorders. If that is what you’re hoping to resolve, please be advised to consult others. See also my ‘About Me’ page to find out more. Also note that this is not a trauma-exposure modality, which is why I feel confident about it from the coaching perspective.

What is your view on trauma and what is it’s place in this method?

I’m aware the trauma train has been well up and running this last decade. I’ve been on it myself, yet I have mixed feelings around it. On the one hand, it’s good there is more trauma awareness. On the other hand, maybe there has been too much focus on it and it could be counterproductive in some ways.

My thinking on trauma is based on Gabor Maté’s, Bessel van der Kolks’ work (and others), but I like the attachment approach. It’s viewing what happened to you, but mostly what it means to you and whether or not you were able to integrate the meaning of what happened. This method focuses on looking at the attachment-strategies you developed to cope with difficult circumstances and working at generating new, positive strategies.

This method is not oriented around facing (Big T-)trauma directly in an exposure kind of way. It works with an indirect trauma approach, meaning that if trauma comes up, the visualization is directed to the moment after the event. Hence working around it for re-integration, through creating new (experiential) meaning. Not through re-exposing oneself to the centre of the event. That’s why there is a lot less chance of re-traumatization, re-living and other severe dissociating effects.
At the same time, working on repairing attachment in this way, has in cases also resolved trauma’s (Ch. 15 ‘Treatment Outcomes’, Attachment Disturbances for Adults (2016)).

I think my parents did their best, I love them and/or had a decent childhood, is this work for me?

This method is for anybody who struggles presently in terms of self-esteem, relationships or a lack of meaning. Additionally you might have a sense that childhood experiences and patterning may have had an impact in those areas. So you have already been thinking about your childhood or are curious in discovering about it through this method.

Your parents probably did do their very best (excluding rare cases) and did love you. This is the fundamental assumption in this work. However, they might still not have been capable to have given you the care that you needed. The Ideal Parent Figures are not meant to be replacing your bio parents, but are conjured up to additionally give you and show up for you in a way that you’ve always needed. Filling up the gaps in your experience this way, gets you to Secure Attachment.

Visualizing these figures and Ideal caretaking for you, has the other effect of contrasting it with your childhood experience. This might change the view you’ve had of your childhood, seeing in a new and different way the things you’ve missed. There’s a shift to a clearer and more honest view, which leads to a more secure perspective. So even if you feel you’ve had a decent, good childhood, but you’re still struggling in the aforementioned areas – this method might be beneficial for you. It is also a mourning process (seeing and experiencing clearly what you have missed). At the same time this is freeing in ways you might have always longed for.
From personal experience I can say this work has brought up a lot of new insights and experiences, which I could never have expected when I started.

What is your rate?

Sessions of IPF are invoiced per cycle of 4 sessions. Sliding scale available, please inquire.
50 mins. € 130 per session (excl. VAT).
25 mins. € 60 per session (excl. VAT).

Most people take weekly sessions. Others prefer two or three times per week. Others meet bi-weekly.

A consulting session (1 hour) on Secure Attachment or Secure relational dynamics, where you can ask me anything: € 150 (excl. VAT).

How do you combine Filmmaking with Attachment Coaching?

Filmmaking is a laborious process which involves a lot of developing and writing. This I can organize in my own time. In case I actually get to shoot a film, I will know in advance a few months ahead. In that case I will inform all clients ahead of time and temporarily take a break from coaching. It is up to you if that’s something you’d be comfortable with.